The Unseen Servant forums

Round three!

...first!

Third!

Keehnelf wrote:Third!

/slowclap

CAI4 wrote: "Hash foggg agg gloggg!" yells the mentally challenged monk, attempting to taunt the goblins in their native language.

Best. Thing. Ever.

Right up there with punching the giant fish in the eye.

AAAAAAA!!

I was working as an election official all day. 6:00 AM to 9:00 PM. I'm beat. Please NPC Angus if it would help move things forward. He'll basically follow along with whatever the others are doing and fire non-magical bows at anything that threatens the group from range.

Thanks.

They should scrap the Primary debates and broadcast the candidates playing D&D instead. It would be much more enlightening.

"You find yourself at a T shaped intersection. The walls of the dungeon are covered in a slimy, unpleasant growth that is horrid to sight, smell, and touch. To the right, you hear the clattering sound of bones striking each other, growing louder. Skeletons! Looks like you'll have to fight through them on that side. To your left, your rogue has detected a series of devilish traps that will need to be disarmed or navigated to pass. Beyond you can see a handful of jewels glittering in the dark. Or you can retreat down the tunnel behind you. Unfortunately, you'll have to choose between carrying the heavy bag of treasure you've acquired or helping your badly injured party member to safety.

What do you do?"

> Wait

The Republicans:

"We hire 100 level-zero hirelings at a rate of one copper piece with the promise that the hardest working hireling will be promoted to rank of full adventurer and get a share of the treasure at expedition's end. Of course Stanslaw the Bold knows hireling #26's uncle, and has made certain agreements in advance, so unless we're unable to keep him alive until the end that's one less bit of paperwork to fill out. Of course, the hirelings will be the ones to do all the fighting and trap-testing since the adventurers' interest in the venture is purely speculative."

The Democrats:

"We follow the other party into the dungeon, encouraging their hirelings to defect with promises that all of them will be full adventurers after the expedition is done. Of course, none of us are entirely clear on what this dungeon thing is, and we're about as likely to find any real treasure as we are to escape alive."

Bah.

The Republicans bought all the dungeons long ago and privatized them. You have to pay a 10gp entrance fee and sign a waiver of all rights (including a binding arbitration agreement) even to enter. Most of the Republicans are actually dragons, who insist that letting them hoard huge piles of gold is actually good for peasants because some of the gold might trickle down to them. It won't, but it might!

The Democrats want the dungeons shut down for safety violations, but in the meantime they levy a tax on treasure taken from the dungeons. They use the funds from that tax to support a program that helps feed injured and out-of-work delvers. There is talk about forming an adventurer's union.

You Americans are awesome.

The Canadian dungeons are supplied with plentiful healing potions (universal health care!) and even the monsters are just so darn polite.

True, but our dungeons are a bit thin on loot - all the best adventurers seem to head elsewhere looking for unopened tombs and shit.

There is that problem that the gold pieces in Canadian dungeons are worth about 75% of the gold in other dungeons.

Also we don't have nearly as many monsters as other dungeons, which is nice.

Also, everything in the dungeon is written in two languages, saving the trouble of translating.

Man, now I want to design the Tomb of Canadian Horrors. In addition to all the features listed above, you'd have wandering bears, moose ,and rabid beavers. The centerpiece of the dungeon would be the ice level. The big bad? Rob Ford, of course.

You know, a year ago I would have agreed with you, but Rob's cancer is really kicking his arse. I don't think he'd be much in a fight.

No, I think big bad would be the Biebs. Hear me now:

Once promising sorcerers apprentice who sought forbidden knowledge and worshipped at the altar of Yuuutouab, overthrowing his masters and drunk with eldritch power and raising an army of rabid Beliebers, he exists now only to suck on the marrow of his thralls. Although he is not often seen in our dungeons, his ill presence is felt strongly enough that he can be summoned by his minions at a moments notice as they swarm your corpse before it's even cold.

Dear god. You're right.

The Biebs' chief weapon: douchiness.