Help with writing

[bloodymage]

I have before and after (tumor) samples of writing for my setting and I've obviously changed style.

From Venecia (after): Marco Galli runs the Affilato Affare Taverna, aptly named, for there’s always wheelin’ and dealin’ going on in this place. Marco keeps plenty of grease on hand to lubricate the wheels of deals. It’s not unusual for Marco to sidle in on a deal if he’s well-oiled the participants. Marco’s friendly with a ready smile in his broad face, looking out of twinkling blue eyes. He has sandy-colored hair worn in a pony tail and he’s of average height and weight. His weapon of choice is a rapier.

From Paxland (before): Frederick Gallows has a gloomy name, but his business is anything but for he runs the Ogre's Eye, the rowdiest and bawdiest tavern in Kale. It has a stage for bards and performers and Frederick has the bustiest wenches in town. Many of the miners and loggers drink here as well as anyone wanting a good time. The two groups often mix it up providing entertainment for those who like that sort of thing. As can be imagined, all the furniture in the Ogre's Eye is cheaply made, easily replaced. Those who have nefarious business meet here as well, using the din of the place to disguise their activities. There are upstairs rooms for the romantically inclined and one can only be let in the company of one of his harlots. Frederick has instructed all his help to keep their ears open for information is valuable and he's made it clear that it's for sale.

Which is more engaging? How much accuracy should I strive for?

[Alethan]

(Moved post to appropriate forum section. The Help and Support section is for issues related to the forum, such as a function not working the way it should or figuring out how to add an image to a post. -Al)

[Mister-Kent]

Are these descriptions player-facing or for GM use?

I think they're both pretty intriguing and like your descriptiveness, and these paragraphs have different purposes--the first is about a character, the latter is all about the setting. I think it makes sense for location descriptions to be more detailed up-front (when the player first arrives/discovers it), especially if there's a chance of a brawl later, or NPCs only being located in a specific section of the room. Locations pretty much make a first impression that doesn't change drastically, barring the revelation of a secret door or somesuch.

Living NPCs can make a certain first impression that can really change as the PCs interact with them, so it may pay to "compartmentalize" your levels of detail.

I like the detail you have on Marco, and I wouldn't elaborate much past that if this is used as his introduction to the players. If there's more to him (say a two-faced streak, or a secret hobby), I'd make another paragraph, specifically of optional/discoverable info on him. But the level of detail you have on him now is just fine, I think.

[DavetheLost]

I enjoyed them both.

[bloodymage]

It's for a setting, personalities in two different countries. The setting is The Ertian Chronicles, something I'm madly working on for publication.

The former describes the physical aspects and preferred weapon; the latter is almost entirely a description of personality.

[Keehnelf]

If the goal is to describe the NPC, the second doesn't really do that at all. All we get about him as a person is what we can infer from his preferences (busty wenches, shady dealings, knowing a lot) but we don't know why he prefers those things. It serves very well as a location description because we get a lot of information about what we can do there and how it fits into the setting overall, but as explanation of an NPC it's not focused enough on him.