Alethan wrote:Bandy Sandybanks
Bandy shrugs, sits down and begins a story for the halfling kids...
“Ages ago, when the Hinterlands were young and wild, adventurers used to go there to seek their fortunes. With swords at their hips and packs on their backs, they would hike and climb and crawl through the endless hills and swamps, plagued by mosquitoes and leeches as much as they were by goblins and orcs.”
“One of these groups of adventurers included a young hobbet, which is sort of a halfling of a different lineage, who went by the name Desmond. Like any youthful halfling,” Bandy casts a glance over at Fastred and Isengar, “Desmond was always quick to prove how brave he was.”
“He was first to lead the charge into a fight. He volunteered to scout ahead to see what was around the next corner. And his companions were happy to let him do so, as it meant less danger for them!”
“What some call ‘brave’, others may call ‘foolhardy’! And it eventually caught up with him. After several days into their dungeon delving, the party was tired and sore and sick of eating dried fish because they weren’t at all the wonderful dried fish like your mum makes for us! They were too salty and they smelled of rotten seaweed, but it was nourishment and you don’t throw food out for a little smell when you’ve been fighting goblins an orcs and bands of robbers.”
“And then it seemed that fate stepped in and solved all of their problems! They opened one particularly heavy, wooden door and it opened into a grand chamber, at least 60 feet in height! And hanging from the ceiling, clinging to dirt with root and limb, was a tree. It was growing upside down so the top of the tree was almost touching the floor of the room!”
“The group cautiously entered the room, ready for an ambush from the Black Fang Orcs that had been haunting their trail for two days. But nothing happened! In fact, they felt calm and at ease like they hadn’t felt in days. Then someone noticed the tree had fruit on it – lush, purple fruit – and that made everyone all the more hungry. Indeed, The Gustave’s stomach rumbled so loudly that even the deaf aged grey elf Highbough could hear it (though he thought it was the rumbling of another bugbear, he did!).”
“Desmond, being the foolhardy and brave soul that he was, decided he would try the fruit to make sure it was safe. But it was much too high for the diminutive halfling, so Pelenwin the Tall used his poleax to cut one free. Desmond caught it just before it hit the ground which, for some reason, everyone felt was a good thing.”
“The fruit was heavy, smooth, and cool in Desmond’s small hands and the scent of it was strong and sweet. Surely the thing must be filled with liquid honey to smell so good! The skin seemed modestly tough, however it was something like an orange peel and Desmond figured he could easily cut through it with his knife.”
“The halfling warrior pulled a gleaming knife from his belt and cuts into the dark thing efficiently. A black treacle oozed from the incision, dripping abundantly to the dirt floor. But Desmond hardly noticed, for the smell of the fruit was sweet and heady and soon all of the hungry adventurers were salivating!”
“Desmond took a first bite and discovered the fruit was every bit as sweet, juicy, and delicious as it smelled. Better, really, maybe by a hundred times! After he devoured the first slice, he didn’t want to stop! He attacked the entirety of the sweet fruit with a voracious gusto, oblivious to the hungry hands and eyes all around him. Desmond swooned flat on his back like a ragdoll. He had transcended all mortal concern and reached Taste Heaven!”
“Now, to you young halflings, it might seem like a wonderful end to a story! But, alas for poor Desmond, the story doesn’t end there. As the smell of the fruit circulated about the room, The Gustave, Pelenwin, Wibert, Koch, and Boris were all overcome by a desperate uncontrollable need to taste the fruit! Only Dieter, Ulric, and the aged elf Highbough were able to resist the magical charm.”
“Even though the competent halfling had put most of the fruit away in his stomach, the others quickly jumped on top of Desmond, feverishly scavenging the fruit scraps, devouring anything that was left and even licking the juices off Desmond’s inert hands and face!”
“Ugh…” Bandy shudders. “I hate telling that part of the story… ”
“Anyway, all those whose tongues had touched the juice of the glorious fruit swooned in divine pleasure at the impossibly delicious taste. Their eyes rolled up into their heads and, one by one, they collapsed onto the dirt floor, utterly comatose beneath the heavenly tree.”
“After a while, Desmond began to tremble in his slumber. Then from shivering to a kind of rough trembling. Then it progressed to a violent shaking! All the while, a crazy smile stretched gaunt across his face. A few small giggles even escaped his lips, as if it was all some pleasant joke.”
“Dieter suddenly exclaimed aloud and pointed at Desmond’s prostrate body. Something seemed amiss with his shoulder. It was swelling under the armour! Highbough and Dieter worked to loosen the buckles and straps of the protective garb to get a look at the injury… and were shocked to see an angry red swelling almost the size of a fist!”
“As Highbough tried to induce vomiting in the hopes of expelling whatever poison Desmond had swallowed, he saw the swelling grow before his very eyes, as if some fist-sized imp was trying to push its way out of Desmond’s skin!”
“Desmond screamed and roared, scratching and grasping while the hideous, melon-sized bulge had blown out almost to his ears and sprouted a coarse ruff of bristles. Everyone else looked on in utter horror as the poor halfling writhed helplessly screeching on the ground in unknown agony. All the while, the angry protrusion kept on growing and growing until it truly did rival Desmond’s head in size! The bristles had grown out into a thatch of curly black hair and a new set of facial features expanded across what was quite clearly a second head!”
“Then it all stopped – the growing, the shaking, the wailing – and a pin-drop silence held for the longest moment. Desmond sat up and both eyes… I mean all FOUR eyes flicked open. The new head shook itself a moment and then reached up with Desmond’s right arm to ruffle its hair a moment while it surveyed the room of faces gawking at it.”
“’Whad’re you lot lookin’ at?’ it asked in a most surly tone. Desmond, on the other hand, a bit sore of neck and shoulders, stretched his neck to the left and then down towards the front. Then he paused as he noticed a tightness when he tried to turn to the right. He gasped in shock as he noted, both with sight and with touch as he raised his hands to both heads, that he’d grown a second head! He managed to squeak out, ‘… don’t eat the fruit!’ before fainting.”
“Which is to say, his left head fell back slackly, but his body remained upright, now operated by the second head, who the other adventurers would later find out was named Mondes.”
“And that, my young friends, is why you should never eat fruit from an upside down tree five stories down in a dungeon.” Bandy ends abruptly, quelling his desire to continue the tales of Desmond and Mondes...